COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE

“Staying Tuned to the Same Channel”

Genesis 2:23 “And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.”

Introduction: The goal of communication in marriage is total openness and full understanding.

I. Two Necessary Components

A. Listening

B. Talking

II. Blocks To Good Communication

A. Poor Listening Habits

B. Natural differences and weaknesses

C. Learned barriers

III. Three Practical Helps

A. Levels of Communication

B. Styles of Expressiveness

C. Clarifying and Summarizing Questions

D. Disclose Thoughts, Feelings, Needs

IV. Project

Husband and wives each take 10 minutes to write in answers to the three questions in Project #2. Then take 10 minutes to discuss your answers. That leaves you 10 minutes for the coffee break!

Communication In Marriage

“Staying Tuned to the Same Channel”

Project

10 Minutes – Write in answers to each question.

1. What are some problems that you feel you have in your communication?

2. How do you feel when you are experiencing problems in your communication with each other?

3. Where are you strong in your communication as a couple?

4. In what three specific ways could you improve your day-to-day communication?

10 Minutes – Discuss your answers with your spouse.

Write down at least two action points you agree to work on as a couple.

COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE

“Staying Tuned to the Same Channel”

Genuine communication requires that a couple strive to understand and to be understood.

I. INTRODUCTION:

A. The couple who seeks to understand each other will value what it takes for genuine communication to occur.

1. Time

Ecclesiastes 3:1, 7b “¹To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:” 7b “a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;”

2. Trust

1 John 4:18 “There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love.”

3. Transparency- sharing complete emotional and personal truthfulness

Genesis 2:25 “And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed.”

B. The goal of communication in marriage is for a husband and wife to fully understand each other.

C. Understanding increases with deeper levels of communication.

II. LISTENING – THE FIRST OF TWO NECESSARY COMPONENTS

James 1:19 “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:”

A. Many people want nothing more than someone to care enough to listen to them.

B. A poor listener will use habits that suppress communication and create misunderstanding.

Proverbs 13:15 “Good understanding giveth favour: but the way of transgressors is hard.”

1. Deceptive listening pretends interest.

2. Selective listening tunes in only for points of interest.

3. Protective listening does not hear threatening messages.

C. A good listener will display an attitude that encourages communication.

1. Listen with an attitude that your spouse’s comments are top priority.

2. Listen with an attitude of acceptance and willingness to understand.

3. Listen with an attitude that your spouse is not the enemy.

4. Listen with an attitude of willingness to hear what God may be saying through your spouse.

5. Listen with an attitude of wanting clarification. Ask questions and re-phrase what your spouse said in order to get at the meaning of the message.

Clarifying Questions:	Conclusion Questions:
“Are you telling me that _________?” “What did you mean when you said _________?”	“Of all that you just said, what do you want me to understand?” “What do you need from me right now?”

FOCUS ON:	RATHER THAN:
What is being said	The way it is being said
The meaning	The Words
Clarification of valid points	Defense of incorrect assumptions
Questions	Accusations
Understanding	Judgment

D. Remember: Listening encourages understanding, opens communication, and builds oneness.

III. TALKING – THE SECOND NECESSARY COMPONENT

A. People bring into marriage different styles of expressiveness.

1. Misunderstanding can develop when two people have different styles of expressiveness and relating.

2. A couple must allow freedom for differences in styles of expressiveness.

B. A variety of barriers keep some from expressing themselves openly.

1. Childhood programming can establish a pattern of suppression of emotions.

2. A poor self image can cause one to fear rejection.

3. A false concept of manhood and pride prevents men from sharing their needs and feelings.

4. A false concept of spirituality makes us hesitate to be open and honest about ourselves.

C. Expressing ourselves involves the risk of being emotionally intimate.

1. Emotional intimacy involves expressing your feelings and emotions with someone who is committed to you.

a. It begins by entrusting yourself to God, because He understands.

- Matthew 11:28 “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.”

b. It continues by entrusting yourself to your spouse for his/her understanding

- Genesis 2:24 “Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

2. Being fully open (transparent) with each other includes expressing:

a. Thoughts

b. Feelings

c. Needs

D. Steps toward expressing yourself:

Determine WHAT you want to say.	Determine HOW you want to say it.	Determine WHEN you want to say it.
What are my assumptions?	With excitement?	During or after a meal?
What are my beliefs?	With sadness?	During recreation?
What are my desires?	With conviction?	At bedtime?
What are my dreams?	With disappointment?	In the presence of the children?
What are my needs?	With encouragement?	While walking or driving?

IV. CONCLUSION

A. Developing understanding in marriage requires listening and talking.

B. Will you make a commitment to:

1. Listen with understanding?

2. Express your thoughts, feelings, and needs?

3. Work on communicating as a life-long process?

C. Remember: The better our communication with God in listening to Him and talking with Him, the better our communication will be with each other. And that builds oneness is marriage!