CONFLICT AND FORGIVENESS IN MARRIAGE
 
 

 


Handing Conflict Before It Handles You

 

Right Time, Right Place, Right Spirit

 -- Pastor Ralph Taylor
 
 

 

 

 


Introduction:        Conflict is common to all marriages.

- Therefore, the goal of marriage is not to be free of conflict, but to handle conflict correctly when it occurs.

 

- All marriages suffer from various degrees of pain and anger brought on by a partner’s offense.

 

- The choices you make during a conflict will either drive you apart or bind you together.


- Responses to conflict are varied – some express anger which shows hostility or aggression.  Others may express denial, withdrawal, rejection, or suppression.

 

- Why do conflicts occur?

          - Our personal desires or “rights” have been violated

          - Our expectation have not been met

          - We have been hurt

          - We want to be in control or get even

 

- Although conflict is inevitable in any marriage, it is important to resolve conflicts promptly.

- Ephesians 4:6 “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I. Resolving Conflict requires three things: (Listening, Loving Confrontation, Forgiveness)

 

A. Listening  James 1:19 “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath”

 

1. Poor listening stiles communication.

 

2. Good listening enhances communication.

 

FOCUS ON:

RATHER THAN:

One Issue

Many Issues

The Problem

The Person

Behavior

Character

Specifics

Generalizations

Expression of Feeling

Judgment of Character

“I” Statements

“You” Statements

Observation of Facts

Judgment of Motives

Mutual Understanding

Who’s Winning or Losing

 

B. Resolving Conflict involves Loving Confrontation 

Galatians 6:1 “Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.”

Colossians 4:6 “Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.”

 

1. Approach the conflict resolution by wisely examining yourself

          - First, talk to God

          - Evaluate yourself (motivation, attitude, timing, setting)

- Evaluate whether you are willing to accept confrontation as well as give it.

 

2. Speak the truth in love - confront with gentleness and kindness

 

FOCUS ON:

RATHER THAN:

The Message Content

The Method of Delivery

The Meaning

The Words

Clarification of Valid Points

Defense of Incorrect Accusations

Questions

Indictments

Understanding

Judgment

C. Forgiveness – Resolving Conflict requires forgiveness.

 

Ephesians 4:32 “And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.”

 

Forgiveness – a kind and gentle act of the will – a choice – to put away hurt, resentment, blame, or punishment.  It is pardoning unconditionally, no strings attached, never to bring up the offense again or hold it to the other person’s account.

 

1. The Bible teaches that all Christians are responsible to God to seek and grant forgiveness.

         

- Ephesians 4:32

 

2. The offender needs to take the initiative in asking for forgiveness.

 

- Matthew 5:23-24 “Therefore if thou bring thy gift to the alter, and there rememberest that thy brother hath ought against thee; Leave there thy gift before the altar, and go thy way; first be reconciled to thy brother, and then come and offer thy gift.”

 

          - Asking for forgiveness:

- Acknowledge and admit, “I am wrong.”  “I did/said ______, and I was wrong.”

 

- Express sorrow.  “I am sorry for _____, and for causing you to feel ______.”

 

- Ask for forgiveness.  “Will you forgive me for ______?”

 
3.    The person who was offended needs to give forgiveness.

 

-         What forgiveness is not:

                                                                          i.      Granting forgiveness is not suppression or pretending that something did not happen, or that it did not hurt.

                                                                        ii.      Granting forgiveness is not conditional.

 

o       Matthew 18:21-22 “Then came Peter to him, and said, Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?  Till seven times?  Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.”

 

                                                                        ii.      “I can’t forgive you” really means, “I’m not ready to forgive you,” or “I won’t forgive you.”

                                                                      iii.      Granting forgiveness is not an automatic cure for the hurt.

 

-         What granting forgiveness is:

                                                                          i.      Colossians 3:13 “Forbearing one another, and forgiving one another, if any man have a quarrel against any: even as Christ forgave you, so also do ye.”

                                                                        ii.      It is a command

                                                                      iii.      It is an attitude of letting go of resentment or personal desire to get even.

                                                                     iv.      It is an action that must be expressed by word and deed.

                                                                       v.      It is a choice to set your spouse free from a debt or an offense that has occurred against you.

 

-         Granting Forgiveness:

                                                                          i.      Go to God first: “Lord, help me have Your perspective and a right attitude.”

                                                                        ii.      Then to the person (asking forgiveness):

o       Attitude “Thank you for asking me for forgiveness.”

o       Specific “I forgive you for ____________.”

o       Restore          “Let’s go on with building our relationship.”

CONCLUSION:

 

A.   Forgiveness begins the process by which trust and the relationship can be rebuilt.

B.   The goal is not who wins or loses, but restoring harmony and oneness.

C.   Remember: God’s power is available to me when I am willing to seek or grant forgiveness.

 

CONFLICT AND FORGIVENESS IN MARRIAGE

 

Project

 

5 Minutes – Write in answers to each question.

 

1. When you experience conflict in your marriage, how do you often feel  (check the words which apply to you)?

 

___ Angry                  ___ Insecure                          ___ Sad                     ___ Immobilzed

 

___ Blamed               ___ Out of Control                 ___ Vengeful             ___ Hurt

 

___ Confused            ___ A need to control           ___ Destructive         ___ Unloved

 

___ Attacked             ___ Isolated                           ___ A need to get away

 

___ Other___________________                        ___ Other__________________

 

2. How well do you think you listen to your spouse when you are having a conflict?

_____ Well                _____ Somewhat Well         _____ Not Well         _____Poorly

 

3. How willing are you to seek forgiveness when you are wrong, and grant it when you have been wronged?

_____ Willing                        _____ Somewhat Willing                 _____ Usually Not Willling

 

4. What might you do to help work through conflict better, lessening the pain you each feel and enhancing resolution?  (Write at least three things in Column A.  Then discuss your answers to both questions, adding in Column B what your mate suggests you can do).

 

10 Minutes – Discuss responses to these questions (along with the ones on the back side of this sheet) with your spouse.  More time will probably be needed outside of conference!

 

 

A. What YOU can do                                    B. What your mate SUGGESTS he/she can do

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

1. What two or three things seem to bring about conflict most often in your marriage?

 

2. How can you help each other diffuse conflict when it occurs (Be specific)?

 

3. What is one thing you need to forgive each other for right now?  Are you willing to seek and grant forgiveness for it right now?

 

4. What is your plan and commitment to each other on how you will handle future conflicts?